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What Is Parallel Parenting?
Family Law
What Is Parallel Parenting?
13 min read
What Is Parallel Parenting in Alberta?
Introduction
Not every separated couple can successfully co-parent through frequent communication and joint decision-making.
For some parents, almost every conversation becomes an argument. A discussion about a school activity turns into a dispute about the relationship. A request to change an exchange time leads to dozens of text messages. Decisions about medical appointments, extracurricular activities or holidays become ongoing sources of conflict.
When frequent cooperation between parents creates more conflict rather than less, a more structured parenting arrangement may be considered.
This is commonly referred to as parallel parenting.
Parallel parenting generally means creating clear boundaries between separated parents so they can each exercise their parenting responsibilities with less direct interaction. Instead of expecting the parents to communicate about every detail of the child's daily life, the parenting arrangement can establish clear schedules, responsibilities, decision-making authority and communication methods.
The objective is not to remove a parent from the child's life. It is to reduce opportunities for parental conflict while allowing the child to maintain important relationships.
Under the federal Divorce Act, parenting decisions must be based only on the child's best interests. The Court must give primary consideration to the child's physical, emotional and psychological safety, security and well-being. The Court also considers the parents' ability and willingness to communicate and cooperate and, where family violence exists, whether requiring cooperation between the parents would even be appropriate.
How Is Parallel Parenting Different From Co-Parenting?
Traditional co-parenting generally assumes that parents can communicate reasonably well.
Parents might discuss school activities, coordinate schedules, attend events together and consult one another regularly about the child.
Parallel parenting reduces the amount of interaction required.
For example, imagine two parents who share parenting time.
Under a cooperative co-parenting arrangement, they might regularly text one another about homework, meals, activities and changes to the weekly schedule.
Under a parallel parenting arrangement, the schedule may instead be established in considerable detail. Each parent manages ordinary day-to-day matters during their own parenting time, while communication between the parents is generally reserved for necessary information and significant issues.
This distinction is consistent with the structure of the Divorce Act. Unless a court orders otherwise, a person who has parenting time has exclusive authority to make day-to-day decisions affecting the child during that parenting time.
The result can be two households operating with greater independence while still following the same overall parenting arrangement.
Does Parallel Parenting Mean the Parents Never Communicate?
No.
Parents may still need to exchange important information about their child.
For example, communication may be necessary concerning:
medical emergencies;
significant health information;
education;
changes to parenting exchanges;
travel;
important extracurricular commitments; or
matters requiring a decision under the parenting order.
The difference is that communication can be more structured.
Rather than communicating throughout the day by text message, parents might use email or a parenting communication application and restrict communications to child-related matters.
The parenting arrangement might also establish expectations concerning when a response is required.
This can reduce unnecessary interaction without preventing important information from being exchanged.
The Divorce Act also provides that, unless the Court orders otherwise, a person with parenting time or decision-making responsibility is entitled to request and receive information concerning the child's well-being, including health and education, subject to applicable laws.
Parallel parenting therefore does not ordinarily mean withholding important information from the other parent.
Why Would Parents Use Parallel Parenting?
Parallel parenting may be considered where frequent interaction between the parents consistently produces conflict.
For example, separated parents may disagree about almost every parenting issue. Even minor scheduling questions can result in lengthy arguments. Their conflict may begin affecting exchanges or exposing the child to adult disputes.
Trying to require these parents to communicate more frequently may not solve the problem.
Reducing unnecessary interaction can sometimes provide greater stability.
The Divorce Act requires parties to a divorce proceeding, to the best of their ability, to protect their children from conflict arising from the proceeding.
A carefully structured parenting arrangement can therefore focus on reducing the child's exposure to parental conflict rather than attempting to force an unrealistic level of cooperation.
What Can a Parallel Parenting Plan Include?
Parallel parenting arrangements can be considerably more detailed than parenting arrangements for parents who communicate effectively.
The objective is often to answer predictable questions in advance so the parents do not have to renegotiate the same issues repeatedly.
A detailed arrangement might address:
regular parenting days and times;
holidays and school breaks;
exchange locations;
transportation responsibilities;
how schedule changes are requested;
how much notice must be provided;
permitted methods of communication;
emergency communication;
medical and educational information;
extracurricular activities;
travel;
telephone or video contact with the child;
decision-making responsibilities; and
procedures for resolving disagreements.
The precise terms should reflect the needs of the particular family.
The Divorce Act gives courts considerable flexibility when making parenting orders. A parenting order may allocate parenting time and decision-making responsibility, address communication and contain other terms, conditions and restrictions considered appropriate.
How Are Decisions Made in Parallel Parenting?
Decision-making is one of the most important issues to address.
Under the Divorce Act, decision-making responsibility can be allocated to one parent, both parents or divided between them in different ways.
For example, depending on the circumstances, one parent might have responsibility for educational decisions while the other has responsibility for extracurricular activities.
Another arrangement might require consultation about major medical decisions while allowing each parent considerable independence over ordinary matters occurring during their parenting time.
There is no single decision-making structure that automatically applies to parallel parenting.
The arrangement must be designed around the child's circumstances and best interests.
Can Each Parent Have Different Rules at Their House?
To a degree, yes.
Separated parents will rarely operate identical households.
One parent may serve dinner at 5:30 p.m. and the other at 7:00 p.m. One household may have slightly different bedtime routines, screen-time limits or approaches to homework.
Parallel parenting generally recognizes that parents can make ordinary day-to-day decisions while the child is in their care.
Under the Divorce Act, unless the Court orders otherwise, a person with parenting time has exclusive authority to make day-to-day decisions affecting the child during that time.
That does not mean a parent can disregard the parenting order or make decisions inconsistent with the child's best interests.
Every person exercising parenting time or decision-making responsibility must do so consistently with the child's best interests.
But parents do not necessarily need identical household rules for a parallel parenting arrangement to function.
Is Parallel Parenting Only for High-Conflict Parents?
The term is frequently associated with high-conflict separations because reducing unnecessary interaction can be particularly valuable in those cases.
However, simply describing parents as “high conflict” does not determine what parenting arrangement is appropriate.
The Court must consider the individual child and family.
Under section 16 of the Divorce Act, relevant factors include the child's need for stability, relationships with important people, history of care, views and preferences where appropriate, each parent's ability to meet the child's needs, the parents' ability and willingness to communicate and cooperate, and any family violence.
The question is therefore not whether the parents fit a particular label.
The question is what parenting arrangement will best serve this child.
What About Parallel Parenting and Family Violence?
A distinction should be made between ordinary parental conflict and family violence.
Parallel parenting should not be treated as a universal solution whenever parents have difficulty communicating.
Where family violence, coercive control, threats or significant safety concerns exist, requiring ongoing interaction between parents may be inappropriate.
The Divorce Act specifically requires the Court to consider family violence when determining a child's best interests. Among other things, the Court considers whether the family violence affects a person's ability to care for the child and whether it would be appropriate to require the parents to cooperate on issues affecting the child.
Depending on the circumstances, additional protections may be necessary, including restrictions on communication, structured exchanges, third-party involvement or other conditions designed to protect the child and family members.
Safety remains the priority.
How Can Exchanges Work in a Parallel Parenting Arrangement?
Parenting exchanges can become a significant source of conflict.
A parallel parenting arrangement may therefore include detailed exchange provisions designed to minimize unnecessary contact.
For example, exchanges might occur:
through school or daycare;
at a clearly identified public location;
at a specific time and place;
through another agreed person, where appropriate; or
in another manner established by the parenting order.
Using school as the transition point can sometimes reduce direct contact. One parent drops the child off in the morning, and the other parent picks the child up after school.
This allows the child to move between households without requiring a face-to-face exchange between the parents.
The appropriate arrangement will depend on the child's age, school schedule, transportation needs and any safety concerns.
Can Parents Use a Parenting Communication App?
Yes.
A parenting communication application can be useful where parents need a structured method of exchanging information without relying on frequent telephone calls or text messages.
Depending on the platform, parents may be able to use the application for:
messages;
calendars;
parenting schedules;
appointment information;
expense records;
document sharing; and
requests to change parenting time.
Using one communication method can also reduce disputes about where information was sent or whether a parent received it.
However, a parenting app is a tool, not a solution by itself.
If parents continue using the application to argue, criticize or send excessive messages, the underlying problem may remain.
The parenting arrangement may therefore also need to establish expectations about what the parents should communicate about and when a response is actually required.
Can a Court Order Parallel Parenting?
A court can make a detailed parenting order designed to address the circumstances of a family.
The Divorce Act allows the Court to allocate parenting time and decision-making responsibility and to include terms, conditions and restrictions it considers appropriate.
A Justice considering such an arrangement will remain focused on the child's best interests.
The fact that parents disagree frequently does not automatically mean parallel parenting will be ordered. The Court must consider whether the proposed structure is workable and appropriate for the particular child and family.
Evidence about the parents' history of communication, decision-making, conflict, parenting responsibilities and ability to meet the child's needs may therefore be relevant.
What Are the Potential Benefits of Parallel Parenting?
For an appropriate family, parallel parenting may reduce the number of opportunities for parental conflict.
Clearer boundaries can mean fewer discussions about routine matters and fewer opportunities for disagreements to escalate.
A detailed arrangement may also provide greater predictability.
Both parents know when parenting time begins and ends, who is responsible for transportation, how holidays are divided and how important information should be communicated.
Most importantly, reducing unnecessary conflict between parents may help reduce the child's exposure to adult disagreements.
Parallel parenting is not intended to determine which parent has “won” the separation.
Its potential value lies in creating enough structure and separation between the parents that each can focus more effectively on parenting the child.
Are There Disadvantages?
Parallel parenting is not appropriate for every family.
A highly structured arrangement can be less flexible than cooperative co-parenting.
Parents who are capable of working together may prefer to adjust schedules informally, attend events together and make decisions collaboratively.
Parallel parenting may also become difficult where a child has complex medical, educational or developmental needs requiring frequent coordination between households.
There is also a risk that parents may misunderstand parallel parenting as permission to withhold important information from one another.
It is not.
Even where direct interaction is minimized, important information about the child's health, education and well-being may still need to be shared in accordance with the parenting order and applicable law.
Does Parallel Parenting Mean We Cannot Attend the Same Events?
Not necessarily.
A parallel parenting arrangement does not automatically prevent both parents from attending a child's school concert, sporting event, graduation or other activity.
The appropriate arrangement depends on the family.
Some parents may be able to attend the same events while maintaining appropriate boundaries.
For other families, particularly where there are significant safety concerns or serious conflict, additional arrangements may be necessary.
The focus should remain on allowing the child to participate in important events without being placed in the middle of parental conflict.
Can a Parallel Parenting Arrangement Change Later?
Yes.
Family circumstances change.
Parents who initially require strict boundaries may become better able to communicate over time. A detailed parallel parenting arrangement may eventually become less necessary.
The opposite can also occur. A parenting arrangement based on frequent cooperation may stop working if parental conflict significantly increases.
Where the parents agree, they may be able to address certain changes by agreement, depending on the terms of their existing order and the nature of the proposed change.
Where a court order must be varied and the parents do not agree, a court application may be required.
For parenting orders under the Divorce Act, the Court must be satisfied that there has been a change in the child's circumstances since the existing parenting order was made before varying that order. The child's best interests remain central to the Court's determination.
Is Parallel Parenting the Same as Shared Parenting Time?
No.
These concepts address different questions.
Parenting time concerns when the child is in each parent's care.
Parallel parenting generally describes how the parents structure their parenting relationship and responsibilities to reduce the need for interaction and cooperation.
A child might spend approximately equal time with each parent under a parallel parenting arrangement.
Alternatively, the child might live primarily with one parent and have scheduled parenting time with the other.
Parallel parenting therefore does not automatically mean a 50/50 parenting schedule.
The parenting schedule must still be determined according to the child's circumstances and best interests.
Is Parallel Parenting Right for My Family?
There is no single parenting model that works for every separated family.
Some parents communicate effectively and benefit from a flexible co-parenting arrangement.
Others require considerably more structure.
When considering parallel parenting, useful questions may include:
How often does communication between the parents become conflict?
Is the child being exposed to those disputes?
Can the parents exchange essential information appropriately?
Can each parent manage ordinary parenting responsibilities independently?
Are clear boundaries likely to reduce conflict?
How should major decisions be made?
Are there family violence or safety concerns?
What arrangement provides the child with the greatest stability?
The answer should be based on the needs of the child rather than simply the preferences of either parent.
How Bridgestone Law Can Help
Parenting arrangements need to work in real life, not just on paper.
Where communication between separated parents repeatedly leads to conflict, Bridgestone Law can help assess whether a more structured parenting arrangement may be appropriate.
We can assist with developing detailed parenting schedules, decision-making provisions, communication protocols, exchange arrangements, holiday schedules and procedures for sharing important information about the child.
If the parents are able to reach an agreement, we can help document the parenting arrangement clearly so that each parent understands their responsibilities.
Where agreement is not possible, we can assist with court applications concerning parenting time, decision-making responsibility and changes to existing parenting orders.
The goal of parallel parenting is not to eliminate the other parent from the child's life. It is to establish clear boundaries and reduce unnecessary parental conflict so that the child's needs remain the focus.
Bridgestone Law is a Calgary-based family law firm assisting clients with parenting arrangements, parallel parenting, decision-making responsibility, parenting orders, divorce, child and spousal support and family law litigation throughout Alberta.
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